Brain Purge

Now Boarding; Direct Flight to What You Want.

I’m a reader. I’m a writer. I search for inspiration and motivation because it keeps me on a direct flight to what I want.

I’m a reader. You know that moment when you find a book that holds onto you with urgency and guidance? I’ve had so many moments in novels where I’ve said “Yes, I know exactly how you/that feels <insert characters name here>” outloud and I get really on edge and just want to tell someone about the coincidence but they wouldn’t understand because they most likely have not been within that moment themselves. So it ends up quoted in my journal and remains a beautiful little secret between the pages and me.

I’m a writer. I had a sleepless night and it reminded me of these words I wrote on a similar eve.

dancin’ like a dandelion.
something sour in my milky way.
i’ve never seen my street corner so still.

the only piece of sky i see between the towers grabs my face and tilts my chin.
my god the stars are so bright for competing with city lights.

you told me that you don’t sleep between two and four.
i said my cave allows me to disappear and ignore.
and here i am eyes wide awake.
unsettled. 

I search for inspiration and motivation. You know how hard it is to go with your heart? To let those words of “Do you think this is wise? It’s more likely you’ll fail than succeed in this business. This path has no money…” go in one ear and out the other. Especially during those sensitive first steps. I do. Because I’ve been there. I’ve lost people in my life because of these choices. I’ve gained people in my life because of these choices. And I’m thankful for the ones that supported my vision and smile because I’m smiling.

I always tell people that you can do what makes you happy. And you need to figure out how. The pieces come together. Now to zip back to the reference about a character in a book that you can relate to… it’s like they’re speaking your words and thinking your thoughts. I watched the documentary Being Elmo last night and the featured man, Kevin Clash, was speaking my words and thinking my thoughts. He knew what he wanted and never let anyone crush his dreams. And because he believed and had goals and put forth his whole being into getting what he wanted; it happened. Naturally. I don’t like the word coincidence. When two roads cross out of the blue it’s just timing. It was supposed to happen. And the right thing takes time. That’s exactly what happened in his life. I had a humbling moment of something similar this week. It’s nothing more than realizing you’re in the right place. I highly recommend this documentary. He’s selfless, ambitious and his story is remarkable. Maybe because I get it but I think you might too. -k

If everybody else your age is doing something very different than what you’re doing, there’s always going to be someone saying to you you might not succeed with it, you might not make any money with that… there’s always going to be some type of obstacle in the way. All of those things will go away if you really focus on what makes you happy. -Kevin Clash

Save Your Strength For Things That You Can Change.

Hanging high in a moment. Kissing the last months stars. I love flipping the calendar to a new month. A fresh start and a change of pace.

I’m sitting at the computer in my childhood room after an incredible long weekend of unexpected extremes with wonderful company. It’s oh so quiet except for flashes of washed out rain through the open window. Morrison the cat is fighting tired eyes atop the fluffy duvet and as I sip my second cup of java, I’m thinking about all that has changed.

Change. It seems to be the theme of my breathing hours over the last year. Change of residence, career duties, hair, life rulebook, twitter handle, priorital focus, relationship status, intentions, strength and happiness meter. Change of pace.

And I would be fluffing the truth if I said that I wasn’t overwhelmed. But the good kind of overwhelmed where you smile and your heart beats above your shoulder line and you can’t concentrate on the now because you’re anticipating the tomorrow. I think everyone goes through an adjustment peak; sometimes multiple sky high rides and drops. Recently it’s been a heavy conversation starter, like we’re all on the same flight. Another plane, another destination, another tickling full of motivation, stirring hopeful moments through our veins. 

So as the leaves drip with leftovers from the morning rain this is what I’m sipping on as I sit in the room that saw every transition:

I have been a friend, a lover, an enemy and a mystery. I have shared my love, my wrong doings, my secrets and my wishes. I have fought for respect, status, understanding and compassion. I have walked the line, ledge, open road and into a wall. I have juggled choices, visions, what ifs and fairytales. I’ve made people laugh, sob, love and heal. I am accepting my mistakes, edginess, battles and weaknesses.  I’m accepting all that has changed.

Someone said to me “Katherine, you need to trust in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” Change is the only constant. So save your strength for things that you can change.

Happy new month. Wishing you wonderful things. -k

Things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those who hustle.

I like these no track of time and no reason for it type of days. The world around you keeps dancing in circles but your world slows right down. Let’s you think. Pretty much makes you think. In my social media world I know alot of people through text and type and tweets but have never stood in their physical space. I ran into one of those people recently when I was leaning on the bar in my long weekend state of mind. Bartender passed me my vodka water and pointed down the bar saying that he’s got your drink. A facebook friend chance meeting. Ah, the way the world has changed. I admire your hustle is the saying that’s sticky in my mind from our conversation.

So what happens when someone or something knocks at your hustle? Makes you second guess your mapped out motives? You can call life a game with goals and penalities in matters of the mind, career, relationships, self identity and status. You can win or lose.

Failure is one of my biggest fears. Regret? I don’t believe that this word has a place in my life anymore. Because you have to take risks to find your forever. I’d rather try and fail then regret not trying at all.

I had a moment this week when ‘shit got hard’. When you need to let go but you can’t because in that hopeful corner of your heart you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen. When you’re between somewhere and nowhere but never standing still. When ‘it’ shows up, comes without a phone call, spins you in circles and then continues along. From highs to lows. When it’s all cupcakes and lollipops until someone pukes.

I’m a big 11:11 advocate as my social media amigos know. So when the clock struck those delicious digits and I was setting in on wishful thinking I realized that these wishes tell you where your heart is. And what you want. And what you should not let anyone knock at.

And then a person I know through text and type and tweets but have never stood in their physical space sent me this fortune cookie find from his lunch time escape.

“Things may come to those who wait but only things left by those who hustle.”
And the smart mind behind these words? Abraham Lincoln.

So with that tickling of motivation the game goes on. Cause if I didn’t face my fears I wouldn’t be where I’m at. Simple as that. -k


The only thing standing between greatness and me is… me. -Woody Allen

I honestly think it’s better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. -George Burns

Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you’ll be criticized anyway. -Eleanor Roosevelt

If people don’t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads,
you’re doing something wrong. -John Gierach

It’s all about the ABC’S.

I hung up my dance shoes about a year ago to put focus on the microphone because of new opportunities handed to me. The way life sorts itself out in front of your feet is always an interesting sight. And now over these past few months I have been back on the dance floor because of new opportunities. It’s where I started this journey and I need it in my life.

I spent the entire week on set for a project for The Weeknd’s new tour with some incredible women who I admire for their confidence, style and grace. The dance scene knocks at your pride with a daily dose of judgement as you work towards perfection, not only in the steps and style but in the silhouette seen through the lens. The measurements and muscle. The inches fading up and out. Blunt? Absolutely. Reality? Like you wouldn’t believe. Here and there I get asked how I approach this glamour game and it’s been buzzing quite a bit this week. And it brings me back to something I wrote the last time it sing-songed in the air around me…

It’s all about the ABC’s…

February. The month of the groundhog and cupid. The cold nips at your heels and you hit snooze fourteen times before you run to the heat of the shower in the AM. You eat two out of three of your meals in the dark and they probably consist of comfort foods like Mom’s killer macaroni and cheese recipe from your childhood. It’s winter, folks! And the only ones smart enough to hide from the elements are the bears.

I won’t lie. I’ve been in hibernation mode for the past four days. I made it as far as loading new songs onto my iPod in hopes it would give me a motivational kick in the butt to boogie over to the gym. But the -25C windchill puffed out its chest and won. I drank my hot chocolate and marshmallows, ignored that tick of guilt and quietly hummed the winter blues.

Happily adding more marshmallows to my cup of cocoa, I clicked over to Facebook. Raptors lose unlucky 13, storm brews harder in the GTA and a message. Hey Katherine. 

A blast from the past. A former student. Now taller than me, a fiercer dancer than me, pursuing that “I want to dance forever” dream she used to talk about in tap class. And getting hit hard by the reality of the business. After a certain point it’s the complete package that clears that next hurdle. It’s what they see when you walk into that audition room that counts.

“What’s your motivation? What’s your secret? What gets your body in the game when your mind says no and vice versa?”

My heart sinks a bit every time the ‘reality of the biz’ swims past me. But it is reality. An evil shark sized reality. And it’s something you need to accept when you decide to follow your dream. That was my first step. So I typed back ACCEPTANCE.

The night before two friends and I were having dinner and over our spinach dip and chips the same topic came up at the table. I’m not perfect. I drink too much coffee and don’t get my eight glasses of water everyday. I eat Doritos when I’m sad and ice cream when I’m happy. And I walk confidently onto that basketball court in a Raptors splashed half top because I now know the meaning of BALANCE. But it took me four years in the professional world, three years in theatre school and many ups and downs to figure it out. Listen to your body, don’t deprive yourself because life is too good for that and on those low days remember how great you feel in spirit when you take care of you.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found an old journal from my theatre school days and splashed across the first page was the saying “CONFIDENCE is beautiful”. It’s not something that is easy to find and hold on to tightly when you’re knocked down daily for your artistic imperfections. And it comes with growth. But when I started believing in myself (I’m at about 94.7% of the time) I started pursuing and conquering bigger hills.

Everybody does it differently. Acceptance, Balance and Confidence. I figured out my equation and I work on my ABC’S. The ‘S’ is for SUPPORT. I told her she has mine. -k

Get Your Head to Shut Up and You’ll Hear Your Gut.

My intuition scares me because sometimes I want it to be wrong. There’s that haunting saying, ‘a women’s intuition is a powerful thing’ and as I dance through the game of life I resort to pulling it out of my superhero work belt when I just don’t have the right answer. And as the minutes and moments mount, it usually saves the day.

You know when you just know and you can’t do anything about it? I know. Tell me about it. It takes me back to that busy Saturday morning when I was waiting restlessly for my mixed up bagel order and a darling old lady in a fancy hat grabbed my waist and said, ‘patience is a virtue, my dear’.

This week I decided to take the backseat. Not because it wasn’t a beautiful drive. No flashing stop signs, horrid weather delays, dicey road closures or deer. Just because I wanted to come down from sixty to zero for a moment. Because I didn’t have the answers and the minutes and moment were mounting. And the moment I did you offered to drive. -k

WDYDWYD.

Do you remember that moment that probably fell somewhere between walking out the doors of the place that sucked up your soul for three or four years with textbooks and sleepless nights and the daily search for a critically acclaimed perfection… and walking into your place exhausted after a month or two or a year now immersed in the reality of your diploma? That moment where a loud question flies high above your head dragged by a plane. Destination: Your future. Question: Why do you do what you do?

I sat in a planning meeting yesterday, brainstorming ideas for the new basketball season which in reality will be here in no time. I was both stoked and inspired to bring fans that much closer to their team. And previous to the meeting I was in the studio shooting links for a TV feature reminiscing on the team community highlights from last season. Remembering the moments that answered the above question. Why do you do what you do?

The following is a ramble I wrote sometime last fall and it reminded me of my answer…

I am so tired it hurts. I missed out on the average 20 somethings friday and saturday night out because I had a late night work date with my laptop. It’s 7:30 pm after a 10 hour day and I’m in bed with a headache and a beer…doing more work…

And it doesn’t bother me one bit because…

Making people even an ounce happier voids all the assumed negatives. And this is why I’m more than thankful to do this daily in my ‘job’. I don’t like the term job. Living your passion is something I wish everyone would chase. Because it’s possible.

Yesterday morning when I was up before the average 20 something on a weekend, sipping my endless coffee and cursing the speed of my internet, a friend messaged me saying that he ran into a couple and their son in the city. They spent ten minutes thanking us for making their son happy by bringing him closer to the sport and team he loves through what we do. 

Today a grown man the size of the average hockey player hugged me at center ice and cried. It was his sons fifth birthday and he had been raising him for 4.5 years alone. I had just taken him to meet one of the players and he signed the jersey off of his back for the birthday boy. And I’ll never forget it.

I’m unsure and unsettled about a lot of things in life; the direction my career is going, the instability of my bank account and where my heart lies. But for years one thing I have known is that when you’re happy, I’m happy. And that’s what keeps me ticking. -k

I googled “WDYDWYD” and these photos came up. They’re dope…
WDYDWYD

Love, risk and money.

At 4:43am we talked about regret and I said I don’t regret any motives, moments or mentions because as fucked up as some of them can be they all lead to that victorious goodness that’s somewhere soon. I keep catching it staring at me but then it disappears again.

If you could do one thing right at this moment and know that you would not fail, what would it be?

Sometimes the challenge of being patient is a painful thing that I serve to myself. Currently in the middle of a phase and doing very well according to my personal patience meter.

I have an addiction of putting myself in movie type scenarios. Minus the chair with my name on it and the bank account and the Vera Wang gown. I don’t think I try to get there half of the time. Never really. Life just takes me there. Insert Sinatra’s “that’s life” mantra.

And sometimes I produce these role played scenarios in my mind. Just like the carefree five-year old in her mama’s pearls, sitting at her tea party and asking the wind if he’d like extra sugar as she stirs. They’re my desires and ice cream hopes without the selfish extra scoop because the world doesn’t have a hint. And then days go by and I’m suddenly immersed within my imaginary tales. Leading lady. Mama always tells me to write down what I want to happen. Maybe she’s right. And I don’t know who to thank. So if you’re in this moment with me… watching, reading, kicking me in the ass… mucho thanks. -k

It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.

Imperfect Perfection.

She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important. -Marilyn Monroe

I have a love/hate relationship with the intensity of my emotions. The face flush from an accidental too many words or the stars in your soul when you can relate to someone or something, somehow unexpectedly. Goosebumps. Runaway heartbeat. A bead of anxious sweat falling down the center of your chest while you try to hold it together. Dabbing your upper lip while hiding your guilty grin. Feeling claustrophobic on the street corner when the only thing touching you is the wind. Crying. For someone else and their pain.

My copy of  ‘My Week with Marilyn’ is sitting in front of me on my kitchen counter for a friend to pick up. I remember seeing it in the theatre after a few days of unexpected transitions, meetings, praise, distractions and baby steps. Growth is an addicting kind of painful. It has left stretch marks on my brain yet stretched my smile, sometimes at the exact same time. As I watched this powerful woman on the screen only feeling comfortable caped in her hollywood persona, I related. In a career type way. I was told earlier that day I saw the movie that I had found my nook on camera and I hadn’t realized anything had changed. It really doesn’t matter what or why it changed. I did however realize that I finally trusted that everything sitting atop of my size eight feet was enough. Coming from an acting background where you absolutely tap into personal experiences yet cover the truth with an artificial passport, it was an adjustment to break. I roll in and out but I now know that no script, alternative name, blond wig or background that isn’t my real life works is needed. Just me. That’s enough. -k

Blank Canvas Battles.

Image

Ah, the love and hate relationship I have with a blank canvas. Being able to create is a beautiful thing. I truly believe that everything you do in life is art. The ripple of cream you stir in your morning coffee. The freeze frame moment after you’ve applied your favourite lipstick in the glowy bathroom mirror. The angle your hat tips and your purse sits and your shirt hits. The way you’re leaning against the rail in the elevator the moment the door opens at ground zero and mister 7th floor is standing there. The way the wind tosses your hair across your face as you exit into the stream of people on Yonge street. The constant madness of footsteps making music on your morning commute. The smile you smile to the streetcar driver who passes it to the business man behind you who passes it to the young girl with the baby in the pretty paisley scarf. A jump over the greased stained puddle. The way you dodge bicycles and taxis during your lunch break. Biting into 3pm cookies and sprinkling crumbs on your lap. The single bead of sweat that rolls down the middle of your back when you’re in a hurry that nobody else sees. The way the fruits and vegetables are sorted on your grocery list. Standing still at the ATM as the city buzzes around you. The way you love someone. I believe you need to create because it feels amazing.

And as I dabble into the list of beliefs I’ve collected over my soul searching days of existence these are the ones that keep me going …

I believe in signs from the universe. I believe you know when you know. I believe it takes life experiences to trust the intuitive pangs in your tummy. I believe in giving thanks and being thankful. I believe in dancing your worries away on a messy Friday night. I believe that no word, action, feeling or choice is wrong when it comes from your heart. I believe in forever, ever and the forever that it takes to get there. In dropping below control before soaring the highest that you’ve ever been. In a look that says a million words. In dreams that are wishes your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. I believe in not being ready, timing and patience. I believe in the present and the necessity of past experiences in order to make the future exactly how you want it to be. I believe everyone knows deep down how they want it to be. I believe in finding the happy in your days and in the ability to feel it forever. Even when coated with muck for a moment or a murky mile. Alone. Together. I believe in the finding of a purpose. Because when you do your feet will do the thinking and you’ll roll on along. I believe in going with the flow. Just like a song. Just like dancing. -k

People Often Forget that Kindness is Free.

Dear happiness.
Thank you for hanging out. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for not judging my weaknesses and side stepping days where my mind and heart were restless, moving in rebellious patterns and I couldn’t find that fight for what was right. And thank you for the warm-hearted man who I say hi to every morning on my exit into the raging world of people who do things the opposite of what I necessarily believe in. Today he told me I’m in the right place. He told me to spend my money, travel, take a chance at something untouched, simplify, be with men, do the things I’m scared of; live. He said Katherine, you come into this world naked and you leave naked meaning with nothing, so fill the in between with your wildest dreams because now is the time. And keeping running. It all started with the question, why do you run so much? I said it is a therapeutic thing. Good music and an open road. He said it’s the best thing for your body, mind and soul. Keep running towards what you want. That’s what he said.
I love these unexpected moments. -k