balance

Please Excuse Me For a Moment.

Often I have the urge to write. It’s where I go when I don’t want to go anywhere else. Often I sit down just like I am now with no direction; mind racing in thirty-two directions, my thoughts crashing into imaginary walls as I watch from afar and judge their motives. Full moon tendencies are on a high tonight in my veins. I can see the full moon across the room through the window, six floors above the late night streets of downtown Toronto. Oh hey, werewolves. I just blanked. So I opened pinterest and the first quote I saw (no joke) was this… “To make the right choices in life you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” Shh. I’m not afraid of that. I crave the challenge or the truth. What about you? And why did I see that right now…

Now what… dot dot dot…

You know what is refreshing? Reading the true tales of humans. The icky parts. The imperfect race through it all. Just lay it on the line. Because you feel so called ‘normal’. Being in the new age social media scene eats at me sometimes. (How’s that for true tales…) I adore it. I adore the sharing and creativity and artistry of it. I adore seeing the highs of fellow acquaintances and strangers. I enjoy cheering them on from my smartphone. I also adore being raw. Being real. Blurred lines. I enjoy truth.

And so I leave this raw, blurry note with not much direction or purpose but I leave on a high because I have an outlet to be real (with possible judgement) and I’m okay with that. Risk is an addiction. I hope you trust that you’re wonderful enough, no blurred lines, to do the same. -k

IMG_20150722_234842

“Don’t let someone dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes.”

Full Moon Fuel.

I woke up with anxiety that made my heart feel like I was playing in the NBA finals. I blame the full moon. Watch out for werewolves. But honestly, I do believe that astrological effects are legit. So I went to yoga because it’s one of my go-to’s when it comes to calming the heck down.

And my teacher read this poem and everything made sense. That’s all I need to say. It’s so raw and real and wildly right. So I share it with you. Ache for something. Goodnight. -k

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

IMG_20150203_235027_edit

‘Fear can keep us up all night but faith makes one fine pillow.’

Frozen Movements.

What do you do when you feel you’re due for a little bit of too good to be true? Does it push you forward or push you away? Does it fuck with your freedom?

I had a couple of comfort convos today about just that. Finding the freedom and hidden fabulous of tough times. There’s a glow of greatness in absolutely everything that falls at your feet or in front of your face. I do believe that. Even when it shakes up your sensitive soul. I also believe that it takes the continuation of life’s great dance to make believing it a habit as oppose to just head filled hopes. Time is a blessing. And the transitions that two-step there way into your life are a blessing.

I’ve really rambled about life alot lately. Sometimes I don’t even know if my rants make sense but they make sense to me. Four years ago I felt one of those transitions. At the time I had been frozen for years. Life offered me it’s hand and said dance with me a new way. I didn’t expect to continue experiencing the transitions as much as I have but I almost get high off of them. Maybe I look for them and that’s why I notice them. I can’t wait for them, even when they’re challenging, because they’ve only brought me freedom. And I full out love a good challenge. Even if it took a minute or a day or months for the transition to mold me and make me realize why it spun me to the right. Because it was right. And I was left to be better. I challenge you to accept them in all forms. -k

IMG_20150113_200636

‘Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.’

Life Observations from the Peanut Gallery.

IMG_20150117_143537

Please excuse me if I don’t talk too much, it’s loud enough in my head.

Mama asked me today if I was happy. I said yes. And I wish that for everyone and I don’t want to lose it. And it’s taken me some time to find the place where the madness and the mellow meet. Where they mold into magical type moments with the people who love like you do. Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love. Don’t say maybe if you want to say no. Balance hard work and wild nights wisely. They’re both equally necessary for guided growth and gratitude. Stop the analytical archery and listen to your intuitive heart; it always knows what’s best for your next steps and say somethings. Be the same person privately, publically and personally. The mesh of the meetings brought me happiness. I don’t make new years resolutions. The new year just reminds me to work on the ‘what I want to do’s’ that rumble through my head until I silence them with success. Baby steps beat the ‘but I wish I had’s’. Put the good energy that touches you to good use, it’s hard to find. Enjoy the damn good deep dark dreary dense delicate delicious daring doable dreamy damn good ride. I wish that for you. Here’s to new year good things, darlings/dudes. -k

‘In the end there doesn’t have to be someone who understands you… there just has to be someone who wants to.’ – Robert Brault

Shifting Point.

In an eclectic store with a coffee shop in the front and barbershop in the back, in my city, in the west end yesterday morning..
Somewhere between crossfit challenges and catching up with the good ol’ crew for Canada Day..
While people in my city were sleeping off hangovers..
While people in my city were planning afternoon bbq menus..
While the city was my favourite type of quiet due to the midweek holiday..

I sipped my post workout coffee and had a conversation about the slight shifts of priorities and life stuff with a couple of other people who have also hit the shifting point. Some may call it a ‘get your sh*t together’ point. I know the approximate time it happened in my life but I think life experiences influence the shifting point more than age does. It didn’t come in a box with a bow on top after I blew out my birthday candles.

Change is inevitable. Progression is a choice.

Some of the discussion in that store bled into my current practices:
– For years my friends have been going out on Saturday nights while I stay home to write scripts or learn lines and meet deadlines. I’m used to it. Now that my weekends are a little bit lighter I join friends but choose to see my pillow at a decent hour too. Going to bed early and getting up early makes me feel good. It’s good to have those ‘when your latest nights are your greatest nights’ moments too. I secretly like doing the opposite of what the world is doing.
– Working out used to be for vanity purposes years back. Yes, I chose a career where looks influence opportunity so this is still amid the mix, but now it’s more for piece of mind and lengthening life. I would be even crazier than I am now without the outlet of hot yoga and long distance runs. And it becomes incredibly addicting when a physical challenge seems unreachable and then your body conquers fear. Yesterday I carried a human on my back while running a mile for crossfit. Since my mindset has shifted from vanity to quality of life, I have never been this strong, both physically and mentally.
– I have always had to eat fairly ‘clean’ due to the way my body has chosen to befriend food. But it has been pretty cool watching the people around me be influenced by it. I also commend my European upbringing. If you wanted cookies you didn’t buy them you made them. I believe in balance. I believe in eating a good piece of pizza and a beer. I’m far from perfect but I strive for real food to trump processed food because there are so many positives. My fella would nod to it after spending some time with me and shifting his outlook as a foodie. Do people give me a hard time when I pass on a burger and fries? Absolutely. At first it was difficult understanding why I was judged for choices out of my control and what seemed like smart ones. It was a health choice I had to live by that in the end has led me down a good path. There are some pretty crazy additives out there. I prefer to keep that stuff in the soles of my shoes and not my burger bun.
– Sleep more. This is coming from an insomniac that gets her creative peak at 2am. Naps save lives.
– Surround yourself with people that provide fuel to being your ultimate self. There’s healthy competitive and destructive competitive amoung friends. I’ve experienced both and it’s mind-blowing that the latter exists. Say yes to social time with new people. They can you bring you things that you’ve been missing or unconsciously looking for.
–  Read books and take notes that help make you a better human. There is guidance everywhere.
– Do things for others without the need for thank yous. Pretend there has been an apology where there wasn’t one to help close chapters.
– Figure out where you want to put your energy. It’s precious. So is time. Fill it well.

The less you give a damn about what others think, the happier you will be. 

These are just a few shifts that have helped open doors and bring a little more happy around me that I talked about with good people yesterday morning. It’s like when friends start getting married and having kids and you have crossed that line or you haven’t. And you meet people who are on the same side of the line as you.

The other day while I was swearing under my breath about the humidity during my hills workout my motivation showed up. A  man asked me what I was doing out there on such a hot day. I told him I like challenges but it’s hard today. He told me he’s 68 years old and loves a nice, hot day for running. He runs regular 5K and 10K races. Then he asked me if I want to race up the hill for a few rounds. He kept pace the entire time. I want to be like him when I grow up. But the only way that it’s going to happen is if I keep bringing more good things over the line onto this new side of my shifting point. -k

That’s the best revenge of all; happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good f’ing life. – Chuck Palahniuk

IMG_20140630_174704

Instagram my Life. 14.

Image-24Berry good breakfast. An empty arena is one of my favourite spots to prep. My amazing digital team. Cloudy daze from the treadmill. This hat is for my father because he legit got mad that I was wearing a NY cap. Beautiful words in passing. Staying awake for the Raptors west coast roadie via couchlife. Interviewing Austin Mahone (insert screaming teenage girls). E and me. -k

It’s Midnight. Honesty Hour.

I say it all the time but balance, my goodness, if I didn’t believe in it I don’t think I’d stay sane. I’m happily overwhelmed by new responsibilities and challenges as the NBA season kicks off and the last two weeks have been a true test of that word. Engulfed in a world that comes at you with a knife some weeks, dodging criticism and judgement posted on the interweb, you need to learn how to shake the shitty stuff. And function on four hours of sleep. So balance is my happy place because I fill those moments with incredible people and sometimes all we talk about is that funny clip on youtube or leaving on a jet plane or that one time where we danced like crazy in the livingroom to Calvin Harris at 2am. And that is more than enough. “So what do you do?”. That question shuts me down sometimes and not because I’m not happy and blessed to be where I am. It’s just so refreshing to just be plain old you for a minute. Jobless and homeless and raw. I just dropped the line “Everybody’s got their somethin'” to the boy and he asked what my somethin’ was. I’m going to sleep on this. But Nikka Costa says it’s supposed to make you smile like an itty bitty child and that there’s a time for every star to shine. So by balance I mean staying out a little too late with the people that make you glow after kicking off your show shoes even though you have a 9am shoot. Or closing the laptop on a seven hour work-a-thon Saturday even though you’re not near complete for laughs and warmth at a dive bar in the west end. Or going to a concert with your crew after a full day of basketball even though you passed your pillow on the way out and thought, damn, I’m neglecting you my friend. That was my weekend. A perfect balance. -k

It’s all about the ABC’S.

I hung up my dance shoes about a year ago to put focus on the microphone because of new opportunities handed to me. The way life sorts itself out in front of your feet is always an interesting sight. And now over these past few months I have been back on the dance floor because of new opportunities. It’s where I started this journey and I need it in my life.

I spent the entire week on set for a project for The Weeknd’s new tour with some incredible women who I admire for their confidence, style and grace. The dance scene knocks at your pride with a daily dose of judgement as you work towards perfection, not only in the steps and style but in the silhouette seen through the lens. The measurements and muscle. The inches fading up and out. Blunt? Absolutely. Reality? Like you wouldn’t believe. Here and there I get asked how I approach this glamour game and it’s been buzzing quite a bit this week. And it brings me back to something I wrote the last time it sing-songed in the air around me…

It’s all about the ABC’s…

February. The month of the groundhog and cupid. The cold nips at your heels and you hit snooze fourteen times before you run to the heat of the shower in the AM. You eat two out of three of your meals in the dark and they probably consist of comfort foods like Mom’s killer macaroni and cheese recipe from your childhood. It’s winter, folks! And the only ones smart enough to hide from the elements are the bears.

I won’t lie. I’ve been in hibernation mode for the past four days. I made it as far as loading new songs onto my iPod in hopes it would give me a motivational kick in the butt to boogie over to the gym. But the -25C windchill puffed out its chest and won. I drank my hot chocolate and marshmallows, ignored that tick of guilt and quietly hummed the winter blues.

Happily adding more marshmallows to my cup of cocoa, I clicked over to Facebook. Raptors lose unlucky 13, storm brews harder in the GTA and a message. Hey Katherine. 

A blast from the past. A former student. Now taller than me, a fiercer dancer than me, pursuing that “I want to dance forever” dream she used to talk about in tap class. And getting hit hard by the reality of the business. After a certain point it’s the complete package that clears that next hurdle. It’s what they see when you walk into that audition room that counts.

“What’s your motivation? What’s your secret? What gets your body in the game when your mind says no and vice versa?”

My heart sinks a bit every time the ‘reality of the biz’ swims past me. But it is reality. An evil shark sized reality. And it’s something you need to accept when you decide to follow your dream. That was my first step. So I typed back ACCEPTANCE.

The night before two friends and I were having dinner and over our spinach dip and chips the same topic came up at the table. I’m not perfect. I drink too much coffee and don’t get my eight glasses of water everyday. I eat Doritos when I’m sad and ice cream when I’m happy. And I walk confidently onto that basketball court in a Raptors splashed half top because I now know the meaning of BALANCE. But it took me four years in the professional world, three years in theatre school and many ups and downs to figure it out. Listen to your body, don’t deprive yourself because life is too good for that and on those low days remember how great you feel in spirit when you take care of you.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found an old journal from my theatre school days and splashed across the first page was the saying “CONFIDENCE is beautiful”. It’s not something that is easy to find and hold on to tightly when you’re knocked down daily for your artistic imperfections. And it comes with growth. But when I started believing in myself (I’m at about 94.7% of the time) I started pursuing and conquering bigger hills.

Everybody does it differently. Acceptance, Balance and Confidence. I figured out my equation and I work on my ABC’S. The ‘S’ is for SUPPORT. I told her she has mine. -k