change

Please Excuse Me For a Moment.

Often I have the urge to write. It’s where I go when I don’t want to go anywhere else. Often I sit down just like I am now with no direction; mind racing in thirty-two directions, my thoughts crashing into imaginary walls as I watch from afar and judge their motives. Full moon tendencies are on a high tonight in my veins. I can see the full moon across the room through the window, six floors above the late night streets of downtown Toronto. Oh hey, werewolves. I just blanked. So I opened pinterest and the first quote I saw (no joke) was this… “To make the right choices in life you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” Shh. I’m not afraid of that. I crave the challenge or the truth. What about you? And why did I see that right now…

Now what… dot dot dot…

You know what is refreshing? Reading the true tales of humans. The icky parts. The imperfect race through it all. Just lay it on the line. Because you feel so called ‘normal’. Being in the new age social media scene eats at me sometimes. (How’s that for true tales…) I adore it. I adore the sharing and creativity and artistry of it. I adore seeing the highs of fellow acquaintances and strangers. I enjoy cheering them on from my smartphone. I also adore being raw. Being real. Blurred lines. I enjoy truth.

And so I leave this raw, blurry note with not much direction or purpose but I leave on a high because I have an outlet to be real (with possible judgement) and I’m okay with that. Risk is an addiction. I hope you trust that you’re wonderful enough, no blurred lines, to do the same. -k

“Don’t let someone dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes.”

Frozen Movements.

What do you do when you feel you’re due for a little bit of too good to be true? Does it push you forward or push you away? Does it fuck with your freedom?

I had a couple of comfort convos today about just that. Finding the freedom and hidden fabulous of tough times. There’s a glow of greatness in absolutely everything that falls at your feet or in front of your face. I do believe that. Even when it shakes up your sensitive soul. I also believe that it takes the continuation of life’s great dance to make believing it a habit as oppose to just head filled hopes. Time is a blessing. And the transitions that two-step there way into your life are a blessing.

I’ve really rambled about life alot lately. Sometimes I don’t even know if my rants make sense but they make sense to me. Four years ago I felt one of those transitions. At the time I had been frozen for years. Life offered me it’s hand and said dance with me a new way. I didn’t expect to continue experiencing the transitions as much as I have but I almost get high off of them. Maybe I look for them and that’s why I notice them. I can’t wait for them, even when they’re challenging, because they’ve only brought me freedom. And I full out love a good challenge. Even if it took a minute or a day or months for the transition to mold me and make me realize why it spun me to the right. Because it was right. And I was left to be better. I challenge you to accept them in all forms. -k

‘Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.’

Life Observations from the Peanut Gallery.

Please excuse me if I don’t talk too much, it’s loud enough in my head.

Mama asked me today if I was happy. I said yes. And I wish that for everyone and I don’t want to lose it. And it’s taken me some time to find the place where the madness and the mellow meet. Where they mold into magical type moments with the people who love like you do. Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love. Don’t say maybe if you want to say no. Balance hard work and wild nights wisely. They’re both equally necessary for guided growth and gratitude. Stop the analytical archery and listen to your intuitive heart; it always knows what’s best for your next steps and say somethings. Be the same person privately, publically and personally. The mesh of the meetings brought me happiness. I don’t make new years resolutions. The new year just reminds me to work on the ‘what I want to do’s’ that rumble through my head until I silence them with success. Baby steps beat the ‘but I wish I had’s’. Put the good energy that touches you to good use, it’s hard to find. Enjoy the damn good deep dark dreary dense delicate delicious daring doable dreamy damn good ride. I wish that for you. Here’s to new year good things, darlings/dudes. -k

‘In the end there doesn’t have to be someone who understands you… there just has to be someone who wants to.’ – Robert Brault

The ‘G’ word.

Growth. I’m looking at it from an entire life aspect right now. It’s way past midnight and I’m sipping on wine and there is no one to tell me that it’s time to go to bed because I’ve grown in years. I’ve aged on the calendar. But when do we stop growing in life aside from the physical? There is always a little bit of a childlike demeanour in our bones. I think it’s incredible that we don’t stop growing. With growth comes untouched opportunities and new territory. And most of the time it is fuel towards happier days. This makes me want to get out of bed in the morning.

I started crossfit and it has been about three weeks. I feel like I’m in recovery mode everyday. It feels like the muscles in my muscles are sore if that is even possible. I’ve been walking like a T Rex from sore legs all week but I’ve grown both in my physical capacity and in the ‘I can do this’ belief zone. Growth is addictive if you put effort into it because the result is matter-of-factly pretty awesome.

During one of the crossfit workouts this week where we had to run laps around the track, rotating between running forwards and backwards in the same direction, I started thinking about growth. (And the guy on my tail giving me some friendly competitive motivation.) As a self employed artist, where hustle comes with the territory and there is no 9-5 schedule to get you out of bed, you need to push a little harder. Those runners on your tail are good for you. I think this applies to taking the next step in any ‘job’. But I’ve had multiple conversations this week about the thought of going backwards before going forwards in career. It’s scary. Sometimes you need to risk that, trusting that a little slide in status, workload or paycheque will soon catapult you to bigger and better. And my run on the track that day was the perfect metaphor. It actually calmed the anxiety of some choices I need to make. Because even though I was running backwards which was so much harder, I was still running forwards around the track. Once I hit a certain point I was able to turn back around and run forwards and pick up speed.

Running has been in my life for a lot of reasons, both physical and mental, and now it’s teaching me life lessons too. Leap, soar, jump. Who would have thunk. -k

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still. -Chinese Proverb

Shifting Point.

In an eclectic store with a coffee shop in the front and barbershop in the back, in my city, in the west end yesterday morning..
Somewhere between crossfit challenges and catching up with the good ol’ crew for Canada Day..
While people in my city were sleeping off hangovers..
While people in my city were planning afternoon bbq menus..
While the city was my favourite type of quiet due to the midweek holiday..

I sipped my post workout coffee and had a conversation about the slight shifts of priorities and life stuff with a couple of other people who have also hit the shifting point. Some may call it a ‘get your sh*t together’ point. I know the approximate time it happened in my life but I think life experiences influence the shifting point more than age does. It didn’t come in a box with a bow on top after I blew out my birthday candles.

Change is inevitable. Progression is a choice.

Some of the discussion in that store bled into my current practices:
– For years my friends have been going out on Saturday nights while I stay home to write scripts or learn lines and meet deadlines. I’m used to it. Now that my weekends are a little bit lighter I join friends but choose to see my pillow at a decent hour too. Going to bed early and getting up early makes me feel good. It’s good to have those ‘when your latest nights are your greatest nights’ moments too. I secretly like doing the opposite of what the world is doing.
– Working out used to be for vanity purposes years back. Yes, I chose a career where looks influence opportunity so this is still amid the mix, but now it’s more for piece of mind and lengthening life. I would be even crazier than I am now without the outlet of hot yoga and long distance runs. And it becomes incredibly addicting when a physical challenge seems unreachable and then your body conquers fear. Yesterday I carried a human on my back while running a mile for crossfit. Since my mindset has shifted from vanity to quality of life, I have never been this strong, both physically and mentally.
– I have always had to eat fairly ‘clean’ due to the way my body has chosen to befriend food. But it has been pretty cool watching the people around me be influenced by it. I also commend my European upbringing. If you wanted cookies you didn’t buy them you made them. I believe in balance. I believe in eating a good piece of pizza and a beer. I’m far from perfect but I strive for real food to trump processed food because there are so many positives. My fella would nod to it after spending some time with me and shifting his outlook as a foodie. Do people give me a hard time when I pass on a burger and fries? Absolutely. At first it was difficult understanding why I was judged for choices out of my control and what seemed like smart ones. It was a health choice I had to live by that in the end has led me down a good path. There are some pretty crazy additives out there. I prefer to keep that stuff in the soles of my shoes and not my burger bun.
– Sleep more. This is coming from an insomniac that gets her creative peak at 2am. Naps save lives.
– Surround yourself with people that provide fuel to being your ultimate self. There’s healthy competitive and destructive competitive amoung friends. I’ve experienced both and it’s mind-blowing that the latter exists. Say yes to social time with new people. They can you bring you things that you’ve been missing or unconsciously looking for.
– Read books and take notes that help make you a better human. There is guidance everywhere.
– Do things for others without the need for thank yous. Pretend there has been an apology where there wasn’t one to help close chapters.
– Figure out where you want to put your energy. It’s precious. So is time. Fill it well.

The less you give a damn about what others think, the happier you will be.

These are just a few shifts that have helped open doors and bring a little more happy around me that I talked about with good people yesterday morning. It’s like when friends start getting married and having kids and you have crossed that line or you haven’t. And you meet people who are on the same side of the line as you.

The other day while I was swearing under my breath about the humidity during my hills workout my motivation showed up. A man asked me what I was doing out there on such a hot day. I told him I like challenges but it’s hard today. He told me he’s 68 years old and loves a nice, hot day for running. He runs regular 5K and 10K races. Then he asked me if I want to race up the hill for a few rounds. He kept pace the entire time. I want to be like him when I grow up. But the only way that it’s going to happen is if I keep bringing more good things over the line onto this new side of my shifting point. -k

That’s the best revenge of all; happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good f’ing life. – Chuck Palahniuk

Save Your Strength For Things That You Can Change.

Hanging high in a moment. Kissing the last months stars. I love flipping the calendar to a new month. A fresh start and a change of pace.

I’m sitting at the computer in my childhood room after an incredible long weekend of unexpected extremes with wonderful company. It’s oh so quiet except for flashes of washed out rain through the open window. Morrison the cat is fighting tired eyes atop the fluffy duvet and as I sip my second cup of java, I’m thinking about all that has changed.

Change. It seems to be the theme of my breathing hours over the last year. Change of residence, career duties, hair, life rulebook, twitter handle, priorital focus, relationship status, intentions, strength and happiness meter. Change of pace.

And I would be fluffing the truth if I said that I wasn’t overwhelmed. But the good kind of overwhelmed where you smile and your heart beats above your shoulder line and you can’t concentrate on the now because you’re anticipating the tomorrow. I think everyone goes through an adjustment peak; sometimes multiple sky high rides and drops. Recently it’s been a heavy conversation starter, like we’re all on the same flight. Another plane, another destination, another tickling full of motivation, stirring hopeful moments through our veins.

So as the leaves drip with leftovers from the morning rain this is what I’m sipping on as I sit in the room that saw every transition:

I have been a friend, a lover, an enemy and a mystery. I have shared my love, my wrong doings, my secrets and my wishes. I have fought for respect, status, understanding and compassion. I have walked the line, ledge, open road and into a wall. I have juggled choices, visions, what ifs and fairytales. I’ve made people laugh, sob, love and heal. I am accepting my mistakes, edginess, battles and weaknesses. I’m accepting all that has changed.

Someone said to me “Katherine, you need to trust in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” Change is the only constant. So save your strength for things that you can change.

Happy new month. Wishing you wonderful things. -k

kat stefankiewicz