passion

Alter Ego Explanations.

For those few moments when the lights go up and the music is humming I get to play pretend. It’s my wild high. The game doesn’t really go away from those six year old days where you were both the talent and director and the scene wrapped and Mom had milk and cookies waiting in the kitchen for you. Now it’s a vodka water cheers to a great show waiting at the bar. Now I get handed my costumes and choreography and I call on my alter ego to hang out with for the evening. I’ve always said that as an actor you have to be a little crazy to do what you do. To expose your insides to your peers and strangers. And want to show everybody your flaws. As much as you take on a so called ‘alter ego’ or character or ‘method act’ your way from script to stage or screen, there is always going to be a part of you up there. It could be your mannerisms. It could be your side smile or the way your hand grabs at your necklace when you’re nervous. But most likely there is a word or sentence or scene that triggers a memory. You’ve been here before. You’ve felt what this character is feeling in this moment. It kind of overwhelms you. And your competitive actor self wants to tackle those goosebumps once again. Because it’s that wild high. Because it’s a secret. Because it’s a safe place because no one knows the truth… … …

I’m lucky to call on my alter ego every week for Porcelain. I get to dance my guts out. Here are some quick scenes from our recent show. -k

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Hello Stranger.

Hey, good lookin’. I haven’t visited you for a few months. I just took a glance from your head to your toes. Your pretty pages of you. Ran my tired eyes over the wild wordplay and soothing snapshots of your yesterdays. You’ve done good for yourself, kid. You trusted your feet to dance upon unsturdy beams of unknown pleasures and didn’t stop words that you believed in escape from your throat. It looks like you’re smiling, kid. Keep smiling, kid.

It’s been a minute. I just lit a candle and poured a late night glass of red. As the clock ticks towards Monday, I sit here with the intention of continuing for a moment the simple silent bliss of a nothing special but very special type of weekend. Diving into heartfelt nostalgia is hard to fight when the moon takes flight. Sometimes I sensor my sensitivity. As the days progress I’m more thankful for feeling things others may not. And thankful for pages to purge growing up observations on and having the guts to do so. I know we never stop growing up physically but what about internally? We are constantly rearranging our beliefs and values. The way we handle a negative conversation or disappointment. The way we treat people no matter their status or stigmas. The way we handle success.

It’s been a whirlwind of a month or so. I feel like those words settle on these pages often. It’s an exhausting and therapeutic kind of flow both mentally and physically. And if you ask about those advocates of “me time”, I’m standing front row nodding my head at it’s importance. I’m reflecting on the wonderful before I tuck it away under my pillow. A couple of so called ‘days off’ fell into my agenda this weekend and I filled them with things I needed for my soul. You know, fab friends and family phone calls, photography, french fries and fairy tales. We went for a walk in the park. We danced in front of the fireplace when 2 o’clock was the new 1 o’clock. We watched Sunday football and I instagrammed pictures of the simple places we had been. Damn those simple things are simply so good.

As the calendar flips to a new month here are the things I’m working on:
Not worrying so much about what other people think.
Trusting that my talent and beliefs are enough.
That it’s okay to disconnect for a moment or two.
A new chicken recipe.
Getting back to my running pace. Damn you, injuries.
Remembering that worrying is silly because in the end it’s going to be the same outcome.

And these are the things that I am thankful for:
Opportunity. Whether it’s comfortable or scares the shit out of me.
The eight Raptors seasons that I’ve been able to be a part of and the opportunities for growth and change over them all.
My family for attending all eight home openers with support and warmth. I think I waved at them like fourteen times.
Inner city vacations.
People coming into your life for reasons you don’t realize until the awesome aftermath.
The crazy way dance keeps coming into my life even when I swore I had retired from rond de jambes.
My mom giving me her banana bread recipe. (My boyfriend and roomie are thankful too.)
My friends, whether new or old, for their constant support during my crazy artistic endeavours.

It’s still hard for me to press publish sometimes. I’m still growing through the self doubt pains.
But when you get to do what makes you tick, life is good.
And I won’t be gone when the morning comes.
-k

I wrote this for those who are like me. -Tin Star

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As Artists…

This picture is not entirely clear. Or perfectly centered. It’s elegantly tipping to the right like the words would roll out of sight forever and those who saw them would be the lucky ones. How appropriate. Such art. And this is such truth. Such unspoken truth that I rolled across. That artsy type of truth. -k

Now Boarding; Direct Flight to What You Want.

I’m a reader. I’m a writer. I search for inspiration and motivation because it keeps me on a direct flight to what I want.

I’m a reader. You know that moment when you find a book that holds onto you with urgency and guidance? I’ve had so many moments in novels where I’ve said “Yes, I know exactly how you/that feels <insert characters name here>” outloud and I get really on edge and just want to tell someone about the coincidence but they wouldn’t understand because they most likely have not been within that moment themselves. So it ends up quoted in my journal and remains a beautiful little secret between the pages and me.

I’m a writer. I had a sleepless night and it reminded me of these words I wrote on a similar eve.

dancin’ like a dandelion.
something sour in my milky way.
i’ve never seen my street corner so still.

the only piece of sky i see between the towers grabs my face and tilts my chin.
my god the stars are so bright for competing with city lights.

you told me that you don’t sleep between two and four.
i said my cave allows me to disappear and ignore.
and here i am eyes wide awake.
unsettled. 

I search for inspiration and motivation. You know how hard it is to go with your heart? To let those words of “Do you think this is wise? It’s more likely you’ll fail than succeed in this business. This path has no money…” go in one ear and out the other. Especially during those sensitive first steps. I do. Because I’ve been there. I’ve lost people in my life because of these choices. I’ve gained people in my life because of these choices. And I’m thankful for the ones that supported my vision and smile because I’m smiling.

I always tell people that you can do what makes you happy. And you need to figure out how. The pieces come together. Now to zip back to the reference about a character in a book that you can relate to… it’s like they’re speaking your words and thinking your thoughts. I watched the documentary Being Elmo last night and the featured man, Kevin Clash, was speaking my words and thinking my thoughts. He knew what he wanted and never let anyone crush his dreams. And because he believed and had goals and put forth his whole being into getting what he wanted; it happened. Naturally. I don’t like the word coincidence. When two roads cross out of the blue it’s just timing. It was supposed to happen. And the right thing takes time. That’s exactly what happened in his life. I had a humbling moment of something similar this week. It’s nothing more than realizing you’re in the right place. I highly recommend this documentary. He’s selfless, ambitious and his story is remarkable. Maybe because I get it but I think you might too. -k

If everybody else your age is doing something very different than what you’re doing, there’s always going to be someone saying to you you might not succeed with it, you might not make any money with that… there’s always going to be some type of obstacle in the way. All of those things will go away if you really focus on what makes you happy. -Kevin Clash

WDYDWYD.

Do you remember that moment that probably fell somewhere between walking out the doors of the place that sucked up your soul for three or four years with textbooks and sleepless nights and the daily search for a critically acclaimed perfection… and walking into your place exhausted after a month or two or a year now immersed in the reality of your diploma? That moment where a loud question flies high above your head dragged by a plane. Destination: Your future. Question: Why do you do what you do?

I sat in a planning meeting yesterday, brainstorming ideas for the new basketball season which in reality will be here in no time. I was both stoked and inspired to bring fans that much closer to their team. And previous to the meeting I was in the studio shooting links for a TV feature reminiscing on the team community highlights from last season. Remembering the moments that answered the above question. Why do you do what you do?

The following is a ramble I wrote sometime last fall and it reminded me of my answer…

I am so tired it hurts. I missed out on the average 20 somethings friday and saturday night out because I had a late night work date with my laptop. It’s 7:30 pm after a 10 hour day and I’m in bed with a headache and a beer…doing more work…

And it doesn’t bother me one bit because…

Making people even an ounce happier voids all the assumed negatives. And this is why I’m more than thankful to do this daily in my ‘job’. I don’t like the term job. Living your passion is something I wish everyone would chase. Because it’s possible.

Yesterday morning when I was up before the average 20 something on a weekend, sipping my endless coffee and cursing the speed of my internet, a friend messaged me saying that he ran into a couple and their son in the city. They spent ten minutes thanking us for making their son happy by bringing him closer to the sport and team he loves through what we do. 

Today a grown man the size of the average hockey player hugged me at center ice and cried. It was his sons fifth birthday and he had been raising him for 4.5 years alone. I had just taken him to meet one of the players and he signed the jersey off of his back for the birthday boy. And I’ll never forget it.

I’m unsure and unsettled about a lot of things in life; the direction my career is going, the instability of my bank account and where my heart lies. But for years one thing I have known is that when you’re happy, I’m happy. And that’s what keeps me ticking. -k

I googled “WDYDWYD” and these photos came up. They’re dope…
WDYDWYD