How I Dream Big…

Hear me out.. have you ever been told that you wouldn’t succeed? Ya, me too. Because the so called ‘career path’ I wanted to follow at a young age was one with a small number of success stories. And as much as I walked backwards with self doubt, I walked forwards because I knew how I felt when I performed. At that point it was on a live stage as a dancer. And I knew I wanted to make people happy and that is what I saw as the curtain closed. I am just as grateful for the people that told me I would fail as I am for the people that that had my back through the ride; the tears made me want to fight harder and the support kept me sane. So after NBA All-Star weekend in Toronto it only made sense that #GiantsofAfrica asked me to share my story on how I dream big. I believe that everyone has that something that makes their heart full and that is what you should be doing for the rest of your life. Job, shmob.. it’s called passion. Someone said to me, “What you do while you’re procrastinating is what you should be doing for the rest of your life.” Yesterday it was impersonations of SNL characters. Hey, roll with it… you have my support. -k

Tell your story of how you dream big over at giantsofafrica.org/dreambig … I’d love to hear it!

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Full Moon Fuel.

I woke up with anxiety that made my heart feel like I was playing in the NBA finals. I blame the full moon. Watch out for werewolves. But honestly, I do believe that astrological effects are legit. So I went to yoga because it’s one of my go-to’s when it comes to calming the heck down.

And my teacher read this poem and everything made sense. That’s all I need to say. It’s so raw and real and wildly right. So I share it with you. Ache for something. Goodnight. -k

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

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‘Fear can keep us up all night but faith makes one fine pillow.’

Frozen Movements.

What do you do when you feel you’re due for a little bit of too good to be true? Does it push you forward or push you away? Does it fuck with your freedom?

I had a couple of comfort convos today about just that. Finding the freedom and hidden fabulous of tough times. There’s a glow of greatness in absolutely everything that falls at your feet or in front of your face. I do believe that. Even when it shakes up your sensitive soul. I also believe that it takes the continuation of life’s great dance to make believing it a habit as oppose to just head filled hopes. Time is a blessing. And the transitions that two-step there way into your life are a blessing.

I’ve really rambled about life alot lately. Sometimes I don’t even know if my rants make sense but they make sense to me. Four years ago I felt one of those transitions. At the time I had been frozen for years. Life offered me it’s hand and said dance with me a new way. I didn’t expect to continue experiencing the transitions as much as I have but I almost get high off of them. Maybe I look for them and that’s why I notice them. I can’t wait for them, even when they’re challenging, because they’ve only brought me freedom. And I full out love a good challenge. Even if it took a minute or a day or months for the transition to mold me and make me realize why it spun me to the right. Because it was right. And I was left to be better. I challenge you to accept them in all forms. -k

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‘Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.’

Life Observations from the Peanut Gallery.

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Please excuse me if I don’t talk too much, it’s loud enough in my head.

Mama asked me today if I was happy. I said yes. And I wish that for everyone and I don’t want to lose it. And it’s taken me some time to find the place where the madness and the mellow meet. Where they mold into magical type moments with the people who love like you do. Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love. Don’t say maybe if you want to say no. Balance hard work and wild nights wisely. They’re both equally necessary for guided growth and gratitude. Stop the analytical archery and listen to your intuitive heart; it always knows what’s best for your next steps and say somethings. Be the same person privately, publically and personally. The mesh of the meetings brought me happiness. I don’t make new years resolutions. The new year just reminds me to work on the ‘what I want to do’s’ that rumble through my head until I silence them with success. Baby steps beat the ‘but I wish I had’s’. Put the good energy that touches you to good use, it’s hard to find. Enjoy the damn good deep dark dreary dense delicate delicious daring doable dreamy damn good ride. I wish that for you. Here’s to new year good things, darlings/dudes. -k

‘In the end there doesn’t have to be someone who understands you… there just has to be someone who wants to.’ – Robert Brault

Sticky Words.

The enchanted mind is such a beautiful thing. It’s a misty winter day off in my world and as creativity nips at my heels post wet rainboots and I want my writing to flow easy today, these are words that stay sticky in my mind. When you read something and you’re like “damn, that’s incredible” or “are you reading my mind?” or “is that story about a girl about me?” … I call them sticky words. -k
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Thank you, Art.

Art let’s me escape, whether it be between sports scripts or daily doses of the unexpected. Those moments that you don’t foreshadow when your head leaves your peaceful pillow post sweet dreams. And yet all those moments are realistically art. Because there is art in everything.

And everyday it seems that sometime around midnight is when I usually grab Art’s hand and we dance or sing or write lyrical nonsense. That is when I feel the most confident. The most relaxed. It’s when the words ‘I don’t give a shit’ hold the most truth. I’m thankful to have found him. I’m thankful that my Art is accepted by my family and peers and strangers. I’m the most thankful that he always let’s me be me.

And tonight between sports scripts I filled other windows on my desktop with Art and his tales. And then he showed me this and it was the perfect goodnight. So, goodnight. -k

Now Boarding; Direct Flight to What You Want.

I’m a reader. I’m a writer. I search for inspiration and motivation because it keeps me on a direct flight to what I want.

I’m a reader. You know that moment when you find a book that holds onto you with urgency and guidance? I’ve had so many moments in novels where I’ve said “Yes, I know exactly how you/that feels <insert characters name here>” outloud and I get really on edge and just want to tell someone about the coincidence but they wouldn’t understand because they most likely have not been within that moment themselves. So it ends up quoted in my journal and remains a beautiful little secret between the pages and me.

I’m a writer. I had a sleepless night and it reminded me of these words I wrote on a similar eve.

dancin’ like a dandelion.
something sour in my milky way.
i’ve never seen my street corner so still.

the only piece of sky i see between the towers grabs my face and tilts my chin.
my god the stars are so bright for competing with city lights.

you told me that you don’t sleep between two and four.
i said my cave allows me to disappear and ignore.
and here i am eyes wide awake.
unsettled. 

I search for inspiration and motivation. You know how hard it is to go with your heart? To let those words of “Do you think this is wise? It’s more likely you’ll fail than succeed in this business. This path has no money…” go in one ear and out the other. Especially during those sensitive first steps. I do. Because I’ve been there. I’ve lost people in my life because of these choices. I’ve gained people in my life because of these choices. And I’m thankful for the ones that supported my vision and smile because I’m smiling.

I always tell people that you can do what makes you happy. And you need to figure out how. The pieces come together. Now to zip back to the reference about a character in a book that you can relate to… it’s like they’re speaking your words and thinking your thoughts. I watched the documentary Being Elmo last night and the featured man, Kevin Clash, was speaking my words and thinking my thoughts. He knew what he wanted and never let anyone crush his dreams. And because he believed and had goals and put forth his whole being into getting what he wanted; it happened. Naturally. I don’t like the word coincidence. When two roads cross out of the blue it’s just timing. It was supposed to happen. And the right thing takes time. That’s exactly what happened in his life. I had a humbling moment of something similar this week. It’s nothing more than realizing you’re in the right place. I highly recommend this documentary. He’s selfless, ambitious and his story is remarkable. Maybe because I get it but I think you might too. -k

If everybody else your age is doing something very different than what you’re doing, there’s always going to be someone saying to you you might not succeed with it, you might not make any money with that… there’s always going to be some type of obstacle in the way. All of those things will go away if you really focus on what makes you happy. -Kevin Clash