The Path of Unpredictability.

Quotes or wise words that my eyes touch and my mind swallows or spits out through the day often lead to brain purges on this page.

It’s a mucky Monday. As I tucked my phone in my pocket to protect it from the rain, the following word song repeated in my head. I had just read it.

I admire people who choose to shine even through all the storms they’ve been through.

And then I looked up.

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And what I saw was a physical formation of those words; the tower representing a person and that it still stood tall and unaffected by the hits it had taken through rain and thunder and snow and sleet. Through hurtful words, losses, road blocks and unpredictability. It was still notable. It was still shining.

Last night I got kicked in the gut by the unpredictable. And I can say that this is the first time that I didn’t wither by it’s blow. The path of unpredictability is equally frightening and exciting in my eyes. But this has come to be my outlook after many meetings with the harsh realities of unpredictability. And surviving those meetings. In fact, triumphing from them. (Even if it took a day or week or months to realize this.) I always believed in the saying, ‘If you think it, it will come.’ Positive thinking. It has finally become not just a thought but a tattoo. I live it. And knowing what is next is no fun. Saying you fought the war and won? That’s a high.

It’s a mucky Monday but I’m okay with it. -k

And there it was, everything she ever wanted. She could see heaven, it was real.
But it was only a second later that she realized she would have to walk through hell to get there. – j.s. uili

My New Year.

My sweet summer is gone. It doesn’t feel like summer is signed, sealed and sent away on Toronto streets due to some last minute heat from the sun but this is the time of year where shifts happen. More Raptors news on my social feeds and planning for upcoming events means the countdown to my new year is on. I’m so ready to dig in.

But I’m so happy thinking about the summer that was. Snapshots of summer have been slapping me in the face all day. I saw a lot. A lot of things I’ve never seen. And I am so thankful for the days on opposite coasts. Someone said to me on a Sunday morning in a city that wasn’t mine (when we were absorbing wordy memories of yesteryears while staring at a new day warming up in front of us over java) to store these moments in your mind for yourself and the people you are with instead of capturing them to share on social platforms like the ways of the world. The two of us, we had changed since our last meeting, but what hadn’t changed was me cringing at the fact that my camera was still sleeping at home. But then I just let it be. (It was NOT easy, trust me, I crave my creative outlets and the excitement of creative visions.) To be places and see the seconds in moments that no one will absorb but you is kind of awesome. Especially when you’ve got someone to talk about it to down the road. And pictures just never live up to the moment that was. It has stuck with me, for me (and you) to see.

And now? With grace and guts I’m tackling new endeavours. That’s the only way to do it. You know that saying, ‘act like duck; keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like hell underwater’? Uh huh, honey. I’ll be quacking all month until some of these visions that keep slapping me in the face become reality.

And when the nights are darker than most because my thoughts cloud the moon,
the thought of your face, two breaths between us, makes me sleep;
the blurred dream of a someday soon.

But the pics I did grab? Uh huh, honey. Next trip? Vancouver for Raptors training camp. Back to the west coast which will always have a piece of my heart. -k

I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north.
No fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and wavering as the ocean. – Lana Del Rey

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West Coast Ways – Day Four.

A few days ago I raced up Yonge Street on my way to yoga beside a twelve-ish year old girl in the same chucks as me. She carried a skateboard, we both had our headphones in and she wore the cutest little floral skirt. We kept getting stopped at the same streetlights and when I turned left, she turned left, and when I turned right, she turned right, weaving the same path with different destinations. We were most likely listening to different tracks and worrying about different nit-picky problems and daydreaming about different ideals because there are -insert your guess here- years between us. I don’t even know if she noticed me. I just read a quote from John Steinbeck that says, ‘I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never seen.’ Different intention but cool point. I noticed the girl because she reminded me of myself back then. A little bit of tomboy tendencies while staging the independent women status before the term ‘women’ legit fit into your life.

We spend the first half of our lives planning the future and the second half reliving the past. When does it change from one to the other?

That’s what’s on my mind as I relive the final day of San Francisco in iPhoto. It was my third time in California and each trip has settled into my life where I stood at a fork in the road and had to decide if to go right or left. Ended this trip ‘on top of the world’ in the pics below. Always search for that feeling. Until next time, SF. -k

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. – Oscar Wilde

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West Coast Ways – Day Three.

I asked a friend the other day, ‘how’s that bucketlist of yours looking?’ I found a version of mine folded up in the back of my journal this summer with the date 2006 on it. The wild part about it was that I sat there ticking off some dreams that became reality when I didn’t even realize I was putting energy into making it happen. Some were small like surf in Malibu and my continuous quest to hit every baseball stadium across the states which is a work in progress. But some were on the next level scale like host my own TV show and get a photo professionally published. I’ve been given the same advice more than once in my life from people that I admire with great respect; write down what you want even if you don’t know how you’re going to get there. And keep writing because as the pages fill up things with scribbles and scratches, things will become clearer and you’ll find yourself checking off bucketlist dreams one day too. I challenge you to try it.

One of my little wishes was visit wine country in California. So the ladies and I set foot on Sonoma Valley soil on a Sunday funday last month. Check. -k

What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create. -Buddha

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Signs.

photo-16What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?

I do believe in signs from the universe as guidance in verifying that you are in the right place. Mom always said they’re out there, you just have to ask for them. She also said white feathers mean that your angels are with you. So white feathers are kind of a comfort thing. -k

West Coast Ways – Day Two.

It’s Friday night in Toronto and I’m sitting on my balcony while the rest of the city says cheers to the weekend and fights the urge to tame the wild child inside of them. I’m watching them chase each other down the street six floors below. It makes me kinda happy because I know that buzz of being in a good place. That feeling of letting the bad shit go.

Saturdaaaay in the park was pretty perfect in San Francisco. Dolores Park reminded me of Trinity Bellwoods here in Toronto. The eclectic people pulling together parties of four or five or fifteen on a patch of grass with a view of the city that you seed with hopes and what ifs and scary but reachable success. I’m at the age where I flutter between back then and the future, unsure of tomorrow but sure of what I want tomorrow to be. The ‘on top of the hump’ part with the anxiety but excitement for the free fall. And these mini time outs from reality to relax and laugh and discuss where you are and where you want to be with people in the same boat kind of fuel your drive. I spoke with people that ventured from across the states and Canada that all met on one blanket and unknowingly said cheers to getting here.

And the view? Well that just adds to the awesome… -k

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West Coast Ways – Day One.

You know the saying, ‘I left my heart in San Francisco’? I think you can only nod your head to it’s truth when you set foot on the hills of the city. What an incredible place. I have a bad case of fernweh and I crave packing my bags and settling somewhere in the sky for a few hours, en route to adventures that I’ve never experienced, with good music, a big book and a bag of trail mix. And a celebratory glass of wine. Especially when you’ve got your good friends flying with you. Cheers to the days ahead. Cheers to life really. Life takes you places for reasons if you take a moment to absorb it. If you take a moment to just sit still and look at what is in front of you. So I found myself in San Francisco with a few girlfriends with damn good souls. I was lucky enough to experience a little touristy exploration and some true SF local days with our friends that have settled their lives there for now.

The first couple of days we did the touristy thing as seen in the photos below. Stepping out of the house in the misty morning with coffee in hand and my camera and walking the streets, I was already in heaven. The buildings are unreal. Every house has so much character and it’s own little story. Like, who lives there? Then we grabbed a bike from Fisherman’s Wharf and I knocked off ‘bike the Golden Gate Bridge’ on the bucketlist, finishing in Sausalito with a glass of wine on the sunny waterfront. Because of the feeling in my tummy and in my skin, I already want to go back. Find things that make you feel like that. -k

And at the end of the day your feet should be dirty, your hair messy and your eyes sparkling – Shanti

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The ‘G’ word.

Growth. I’m looking at it from an entire life aspect right now. It’s way past midnight and I’m sipping on wine and there is no one to tell me that it’s time to go to bed because I’ve grown in years. I’ve aged on the calendar. But when do we stop growing in life aside from the physical? There is always a little bit of a childlike demeanour in our bones. I think it’s incredible that we don’t stop growing. With growth comes untouched opportunities and new territory. And most of the time it is fuel towards happier days. This makes me want to get out of bed in the morning.

I started crossfit and it has been about three weeks. I feel like I’m in recovery mode everyday. It feels like the muscles in my muscles are sore if that is even possible. I’ve been walking like a T Rex from sore legs all week but I’ve grown both in my physical capacity and in the ‘I can do this’ belief zone. Growth is addictive if you put effort into it because the result is matter-of-factly pretty awesome.

During one of the crossfit workouts this week where we had to run laps around the track, rotating between running forwards and backwards in the same direction, I started thinking about growth. (And the guy on my tail giving me some friendly competitive motivation.) As a self employed artist, where hustle comes with the territory and there is no 9-5 schedule to get you out of bed, you need to push a little harder. Those runners on your tail are good for you. I think this applies to taking the next step in any ‘job’. But I’ve had multiple conversations this week about the thought of going backwards before going forwards in career. It’s scary. Sometimes you need to risk that, trusting that a little slide in status, workload or paycheque will soon catapult you to bigger and better. And my run on the track that day was the perfect metaphor. It actually calmed the anxiety of some choices I need to make. Because even though I was running backwards which was so much harder, I was still running forwards around the track. Once I hit a certain point I was able to turn back around and run forwards and pick up speed.

Running has been in my life for a lot of reasons, both physical and mental, and now it’s teaching me life lessons too. Leap, soar, jump. Who would have thunk. -k

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still. -Chinese Proverb

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